Francois Esterhuizen

Francois Esterhuizen

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Marriage counselling and life coaching. Skills, tips and training for better relationships.

29/08/2026

Asking why, or putting yourself on trial?

When you keep skipping the same commitment, ask why like a designer would. Don't ask it like a judge.

An accusation sounds like: you're lazy, you don't want this, you should be better. You can't act on an accusation.

The actual reason is usually one of three things. The wrong time. Unprotected time. An unclear commitment. Every one of them can be redesigned.

Full episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWQNvOCifPQ

27/08/2026

Told yourself you're just lazy?

That is not a fact. It is a verdict. And a conclusion about yourself has an impact that a fact can never have.

A fact leaves you free to act. A verdict closes the case. If I'm lazy, why reschedule? If it was never going to last, why go back?

The verdict doesn't describe the quitting. The verdict does the quitting.

Full episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWQNvOCifPQ

Photos from Francois Esterhuizen's post 24/08/2026

A value is a commitment you have made, not a fact about the world.
Believing it with your whole heart does not make it correct or healthy.
You can hold a value strongly and still keep landing in the same bad consequence.

A value tells you what you are committed to, not what will happen because of it.
Whether it is healthy depends on how it applies in context, not how firmly you hold it.
- Gangsters are loyal
- reformers are rebellious
- charlatans are creative.

Principles describe how cause and effect behave in that context, whether you agree or not. Reality enforces them regardless of how strongly you feel about what you value.

Say you value honesty.
One principle might be "always tell the truth", which opens the relationship but invites more conflict.
Another might be "only say things that are true and won't hurt me", which lowers conflict but raises the odds of deception.

Values determine your behaviour, principles determine consequences.
Test your values against the principles that govern those consequences.
If a principle predicts damage to what you care about, reconsider the value instead of gripping it harder.

Find out more and book a free class → getclarity.co.za

21/08/2026

When there's no clear winner between two options, it usually means they're more or less the same. You win a bit here, you lose a bit there. That's why it's close. That's why it's hard.

So the whole time you've been trying to work out which one is right, you've been solving a problem that doesn't exist.

It was never a right-or-wrong problem. It's a commitment problem.

Full episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln10DW4kbko

21/08/2026

When you say "the right choice", you don't mean suitable. You mean guaranteed.

Guaranteed you'll manage it. Guaranteed it'll be easier than the other road. Guaranteed it'll flow.

You're not trying to pick a path. You're trying to buy insurance. And no amount of research sells you that policy. Which is why you can read for a year and still not move.

Full episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln10DW4kbko

20/08/2026

Is this the right choice? Will I be okay?

Those two questions feel like thinking. They feel productive. They are not. They are the brakes.

A wall stops you. A brake is something you are applying, usually without noticing. And then you wonder why you can't move forward.

Full episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln10DW4kbko

Photos from Francois Esterhuizen's post 19/08/2026

Stop trying to make the right choice.

Two good options can leave you stuck.
So you research more, gather more, ask more, agonise more.

Research matters, but chasing a right answer eventually stalls.
You end up theorising, not moving.

You don't need to be right.
You need to be in a feedback loop.

Choose the option that surfaces real information soonest.
Success or failure, either one teaches you something true.
You move, and reality starts teaching you.

So ask this instead of which is right.
"Which option gives me the fastest feedback?"

A wrong choice gets caught quickly and corrected.
A right choice gets rewarded quickly too.
Either way, you know sooner.
Both outcomes serve you when feedback comes fast.

What decision have you been trying to get right, instead of getting into a feedback loop?

Find out more and book a free class → getclarity.co.za

19/08/2026

When you pour your first coffee tomorrow, you open the document. When you get in the car after work, you make the one phone call. When the kids are in bed, you clear the one drawer.

When the moment arrives, there is nothing left to decide. The decision was made yesterday, by a calmer version of you. You are just keeping an appointment.

Full episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKLdHsbgslY

18/08/2026

You tell yourself you'll get to it tomorrow. And tomorrow, at some undecided point, you're supposed to interrupt whatever you're doing, feel the resistance at full volume, and choose the hard thing anyway.

That is not a plan. That is a negotiation with yourself, scheduled for your weakest moment. So move the decision: decide once, in advance.

Full episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKLdHsbgslY

Photos from Francois Esterhuizen's post 17/08/2026

You don't have to wait to be happy.

We're taught that happiness shows up once life allows it, once the work is done, the weather clears, the diagnosis is good, the relationship settles.
Until then it waits on the other side.

That kind of happiness is conditional.
It depends on nothing going wrong, and the first sign of rain puts it out of reach.

Happiness is the ability to be pleasantly present, even when the present isn't pleasant.

That takes practice.
- "Feeling this pressure means what I'm doing matters to me and to others."
- "Here's another opportunity to get better at staying engaged when all I want to do is escape."

What will this week's challenges look like if, instead of waiting to reach happiness on the other side, you use them as a chance to be pleasantly present right now?

Find out more and book a free class → getclarity.co.za

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