06/18/2026
The past couple weeks have been mentally a roller coaster for me ups and downs and trying to organize the steps to my ultimate goals. Depression anxiety and the whirlwind of ADHD life can just make my brain go through so many rabbit holes but I'm keeping my head up day by day putting a smile on and thinking about all the positive things I have in my future :-)
This is the first summer season I've gone without alcohol since I was in high school maybe even middle school. Every season is a whole new season for me and I am so happy that I am over that deadly deadly masquerade of alcoholism. I've been to the deepest deepest of depths in such a Twilight where I couldn't tell up from down no matter how good of a swimmer I was it felt like nothing could get me out of that bottle. I am so thankful that I got into legal trouble because I knew that was the only way I was going to be able to save my life.
So when I have a bipolar bout and I can't tell where my emotions are I focus on what I have, what I didn't have and what more there is that I can achieve and ultimately have a life that I can share with people and one that people will actually want to share with me :-)
I don't 100% believe in faking it till you make it because I always end up feeling the way that I want to feel - if I'm feeling ornery because I'm confused with my priorities and how far set back I am because of the lifestyle I was living I put myself in situations with people that need energy and whether I feel like it or not I have such positive energy to share that it is contagious and it turns around on me and I genuinely start feeling the joy and excitement that I crave and brighten my day.
For years I couldn't sleep unless I had a bottle to wake up to and I wouldn't wake up unless I knew how I was going to get a bottle. I wouldn't socialize unless I had alcohol in me or with me and many many many people did not know how bad it was because I became such a functioning alcoholic that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I thought that people just had an issue and if they didn't like my attitude towards something then that was just their deal... But it turns out that I put such a block between understanding and being open to others opinions with alcohol, because it was too much for me to organize my feelings my thoughts and listen and take time to care about other people's. Mind you though a lot of the people that I associated with weren't exactly prime candidates for in-depth or inquisitive conversation. Nevertheless it did affect my communication and everything with people like my mom and my family members and it tore me away from them. But in this picture is a genuine genuine smile and a woman that believes in her future and understands her past and has the ability to forgive herself and others wanting to share the better life with as many people as possible :-)
Just a little peek into my mind :-)
