Norah Finn Therapy

HAPPY FRIDAY - I wish you a weekend ahead where you allow nothing, or nobody, to steal your inner peace. Have a great one 💜

If any relationship involves psychological games, manipulation, coercive control, confusion, mind games, etc, perhaps it’s time to stop playing.

You have permission to leave the game anytime you choose.

You do not have to defend, justify, or endlessly explain yourself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you.

Your boundaries do not require anyones approval.

It’s hard to find yourself again after abuse. But you can do it. One purposeful move at a time. The first good move we can make is making a choice not to play anymore.

Then get support. Allow yourself to hear your own story out loud. Something very healing happens in that space. It really is good to talk it through.

Therapy never involves judgement. There is not one person who can afford to judge another. And your therapist is no different. Don’t carry it alone. Healing happens in unashamed conversations. 💜

On behalf of myself and , I want to say a big thank you and farewell to Jennifer McGreal, manager of .ycc, as she finishes up working in Bawnogue today to move on to her next venture. Jennie, I’ll really miss you being here every day. I’ll miss our lovely chats and laughs.

The care, support, organisational skills, attention to detail, work ethic, the pure professionalism and integrity you bring to managing this busy centre, can only be matched by your kind hearted, humble, caring, and beautiful way of being. You will be so sorely missed.

I wish you every joy and success as you move onwards to the next phase of your career. Thank you so so much for the support you have given me since coming to Bawnogue, and the support you have also given to and all our students and instructors. You played are a huge part in making us the successful community educational organisation that we are today.

We’ll be staying connected, that’s for sure. I have a feeling we have many other projects to work on.

We wish you the very best in all that you do Jennie, lots of love and a huge big hug,
Norah 💜💜

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “HEALTHY NARCISSISM”
The phrase “healthy narcissism” is often used to describe confidence, self-esteem, ambition, self-respect or having a healthy sense of personal worth.

But these qualities are not narcissism.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a recognised DSM-5-TR Cluster B personality disorder, characterised by a persistent pattern involving grandiosity, a need for admiration and impaired empathy.

It is also important to understand that a personality disorder is not something you simply “correct” by explaining, reasoning with, loving harder or asking someone to change. It is not cured, it is managed.

Unfortunately, the person diagnosed with narcissism rarely presents looking for help with the management of it. The person with the diagnosis will struggle relating with others throughout their life, and it will be difficult also for those who choose close relationships with them. It’s good to fully understand the diagnosis before making a long term commitment.

You can have healthy self-esteem without narcissism. You can be confident without narcissism. You can value yourself without believing you are more important than others.

Perhaps the more useful language is healthy self-worth, rather than “healthy narcissism.”

Self-worth says, “I matter.”
Narcissism says, “I matter more.”

LET YOUR HEAD GUIDE YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES 💜
When it comes to dealing with narcissistic behaviour, don’t lead with your heart.

People with high levels of empathy can be easily pulled by their heartstrings. Someone who is manipulative may recognise this and use your compassion to their advantage.

High empathy combined with low personal boundaries can be a recipe for disaster.

Let your head guide your boundaries and your heart guide your empathy. But don’t get them mixed up.

You can understand someone’s pain without taking responsibility for it. You can have compassion without tolerating harmful behaviour. You can care about someone and still choose to walk away.

“Follow your heart” is not always the best response. Sometimes, for our own wellbeing, we have to follow our head, even when our heart wants us to stay.

An equal balance of head and heart allows us to live a more balanced life, thinking clearly, protecting ourselves, and still remaining compassionate.

Therapy supports us in looking at the patterns we have that stop us from putting firm boundaries in place for our own personal wellbeing. 💜

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of a number of cluster B DSM diagnosed personality disorders. You cannot “love” a mentally disordered person into having empathy, to losing their sense of entitlement and grandiose. It is a maladaptive personality disorder. A mental illness. A disorder that causes harm to others. Unless, when we eventually spot it that we run in the other direction. No good can come out of it. Ever.

They cannot behave as you do. Their brain is not developed as yours is. No more than you cannot behave as they do. Once you spot it, the only thing to do for your own mental health, is run, and be thankful that you now know.

“But they weren’t like this in the beginning” - of course they weren’t. They knew if they were you’d have ran then. They hook you in first, then they take the mask off. Please don’t make the mistake of thinking you’ll love them into becoming again the person they were when you met them. That wasn’t who they were at all. That’s how their disordered brain works. They mirror to you everything that you want in the beginning to deceive you into believing that they have mental health. But they can only keep that up for so long. It’s too hard for them to continue being empathetic, humble, kind. It’s not how their brain is made up.

Run, the earlier you pay attention to the red flags the easier it will be for you to walk away. No contact, as in no contact whatsoever, is the only response for your own mental health. You are NEVER going to “love” them into treating you with decency.

Accept that you’ve being relating with someone who has a diagnosable mental illness, and be grateful to yourself that you now see it, and for doing what you needed to do to protect yourself.

That relationship could never work out. They’ve wasted enough of your energy. Cut your losses. Educate yourself. Get support. But please, don’t ever think you can fix or heal that condition. Even psychiatrists can’t. All they do if they turn up in their office, and that’s a big IF because they don’t see their own mental illness, is attempt to manage it. 💜

COMMUNAL NARCISSISM 💜
Not all narcissism looks like narcissism. There may not be strong outward displays of arrogance, superiority, or someone demanding the spotlight. Sometimes it looks like being the saviour.

The person who needs to be seen as the most caring, selfless, all knowing, Their identity is built around being the saviour, the one whose purpose is to speak on behalf of others. Underneath that image is a deep need for power, admiration, recognition, control, and self validation.

The person who needs to be seen as the most healed, knowledgeable, as having the solutions, as having achieved a perfect state of being. It is their job to save you. Speak up for you. That’s where they get their admiration and recognition. They are terrified of their own vulnerability and will destroy anything that gets close to exposing it. Shame is their kryptonite.

It is a very devious game play. There is so much denial within. They act the victim when exposed - “why would anyone do this after all I’ve done to help”. Their MO is passive aggression, when exposed, you’ll witness their hatred. They’ll recruit flying monkeys. It is narcissism - albeit, narcissism all dressed up in a tuxedo. It is as damaging as any form of narcissism is.

Communal narcissism can be difficult to recognise because the behaviour may initially look like kindness. But genuine kindness does not require praise and recognition. Genuine support does not create a dynamic where others need to praise the person who helped them. Genuine care does not require disempowering another.

Pay attention to what happens when the praise stops, when they’re called out, or when their “goodness” is questioned.

Character is not what we perform for others to see. It is who we are when nobody is watching!

The pervasive pattern of narcissistic pathology is best left in the field of psychiatry. It is a serious cluster B DSM diagnosed personality disorder. We cannot go around diagnosing people. Information is power and it is wise to inform ourselves for our own well being, and the well being of those we love and care about. 💜

Come on the Katie 🥊🐐🇮🇪
Welcome home . You deserve a hero’s welcome. Our national treasure. An outstanding role model. Katie makes me proud to be an Irishwoman. She NEVER gave up. She fought against so many odds. The greatest female fighter of all time who paved the way for women in a sport where we were refused our rightful place. An outstanding Irish athlete and sportswoman. Her boxing accomplishments are too long to list here. Her greatest accomplishment? She worked so hard and achieved it all - she is the epitome of grace and humility, and achieved all she has while behaving with integrity and decency. You won’t find one scandal behind our Katie. Sept 5th, Ireland gets a chance to show YOU what you mean to us. You’ll walk outa Croke Park with the belts you walked in with. They belong to you. You earned them. No one can take your accomplishments from you. I wouldn’t miss this for the world. See ya in Croke Park Katie. What a day it’s gonna be. It’s your day . So so so deserved.

I gotta give it to you . You bagged it for her. You always believed in our Katie.

There will not be a dry eye in Ireland on Sept 5th. 🇮🇪

Welcome home to “The Bray Bomber”. 🇮🇪

I wish trauma didn’t exist. But it does, and at some point, it impacts all of us.

We don’t need to pretend it’s a gift. And we don’t need to see ourselves as broken because of it either. People who have been through pain are still here. That counts for something.

But survival alone doesn’t mean everything is healed. Sometimes trauma leaves us guarded, hyper-aware, or unsure of who to trust. That’s not weakness, that’s being human.

What therapy can bring is awareness. A deeper understanding of what feels safe and what doesn’t. A quieter, steadier inner voice that says, “this isn’t right for me.”

But real growth is learning to tell the difference between intuition and fear shaped by the past. Shame has no place here. It never belonged to you, it belongs to who hurt you.

Healing happens in honest, unfiltered, non-judgmental, and real conversations. The kind where you don’t have to hide parts of yourself.
You are not what happened to you. You get to choose what happens next.

Therapy supports us in listening to ourself. Trusting our inner signals. And don’t ignore the voice that says, “this doesn’t feel safe.” It’s there for a reason.

Listen to your gut and act. It won’t lead you wrong. 💜

COERCIVE CONTROL AND CONSENT 💜
Coercion is when someone intimidates, threatens, manipulates another in an attempt to force or frighten another to change their mind and to give them what they want.

Coercion causes duress and is an attempt to use psychological manipulation to emotionally force another to act against their wishes.

Consent is the mutual permission of two people for something to happen. That “something” changes any time one person decides that the situation no longer serves/suits them. Respecting the “no” of another is the most elementary and significant rule of consent.

You do not need another’s permission to say “no”. If something is not working, or not what you want, you have a right to say “no”. Never allow another negate your “no”.

These behaviors are woven into an abuser. They have little/low self awareness that what they are doing is unacceptable. Or, they do know what they’re doing and continue anyway. They feel they are entitled to their demands.

Understanding these dynamics allows you to live your life accepting nothing but healthy interactions and relationships. No means no. Full stop.

We don’t have to like it, or the person, but we most definitely have to accept and respect another’s “no”. There is never anything passive about passive aggression. Beware of someone who attempts to portray themselves as a victim.

Never allow another to emotionally intimidate or threaten you. Therapy supports us to clearly see what abuse and coercive control is. It can be in everyday relationships.

Don’t accept this maladaptive way of relating. It is a toxic way to live your life. Don’t struggle alone. Reach out get support 💜