07/09/2026
As Enya turns 4 it’s made me reflect on how much I’ve changed since she came into the world. It’s true what they say about each child getting a different version of the same mother. Gabor Maté said no 2 children are raised in the exact same family or receive the same parents & it’s true.
I found it difficult when I had Alula & became a first time mum. But little did I know Alula was a breeze compared to what Enya would bring.
Becoming a mum of 2 made my heart double in size but it broke me in 2. I somehow had to stretch myself even more than I already was. Running a business with my partner was amazing until we started a family. I often wonder how different my motherhood experience would’ve been if we didn’t have a business together or had more support. But it’s so conflicting because I wouldn’t have wanted to give up my work either.
When I look back at pictures I feel a heaviness because although I’m smiling in them, I know how much I was struggling underneath & it’s crazy how many gaps there are in precious memories because I was just surviving. That makes me so sad.
I was a highly motivated, high achieving & successful person before kids & that doesn’t mix well with motherhood. I couldn’t keep up with everything anymore, so I had to drop stuff & that made me feel like a failure. It’s taken years of therapy & inner work to realise I don’t have to earn rest
Over the last 4 years since Enya arrived I’ve noticed my standards get lower - no longer striving for amazing, just good enough & that’s actually a good thing really.. But sometimes I still feel guilty that I’m not giving my girls 100%. But I can’t give 100% when I haven’t got 100%. And lately I’ve barely had 10%.
The last few months have been the hardest yet. My mental health is now effecting my physical health. Even though I’ve done so much work, my Saturn return has been fu***ng horrible so far. I shout way too much. Rely on the tv way too much. Have no energy. Quick to anger. Completely overwhelmed. Full of guilt I’m not the fun, calm & present mum I swore I’d be. But I just don’t have it in me. Recently I’ve been having thoughts like “should I have even had kids?” “They deserve so much better than me” “why can’t I be the mum I want to be”
My daughter turning 4 is of course a happy day but there’s also a level of grief present as I realise just how much of Jade is gone. Maybe she’ll come back with time. Maybe there’s a better version in this fu**ed up chrysalis & this is all part of the process.
