Walkergate Football Club

🚨 FULL TIME | MAURETANIA FC 7–2 WALKERGATE FC 🚨

Well… that was fu***ng awful. 😂

Mauri ran out comfortable winners, 7–2… or 7–3… nobody was keeping track by the end. We’d like to say there were positives, but unfortunately we’ve checked and there weren’t. 😭

The only real entertainment came from their goalkeeper, who apparently spent more time crying, moaning and whinging than actually keeping the ball out. 🍼😂

And speaking of babies… 👀 A dummy was reportedly found abandoned after the game. We’re not 100% sure it belongs to their keeper, but if we had to make an educated guess… we know where we’re putting our money. 😂🍼

Fair play to Mauri though — they deserved the win.

Walkergate: absolutely sh*te.
Mauri’s keeper: absolutely emotional.
The dummy: currently looking for its owner. 😂

Same time next week lads? Maybe we’ll turn up this time. 🤦‍♂️⚽️

Sponsored by JB Joinery & Interiors LTD

🚨 MATCHDAY! 🚨

This Sunday we’re heading AWAY to face Mauretania FC — apparently one of the best Sunday league teams in the North East. 😳

So naturally, the Walkergate lads are going into this one full of confidence and absolutely no reason whatsoever to be nervous. 😂

We couldn’t find their badge, so we’ve stolen their profile picture instead… although knowing Mauretania, they’ll probably steal the points as well. 👀🤣

🏆 MAURETANIA FC 🆚 WALKERGATE FC
📅 This Sunday
⏰ 10:30AM kick-off
📍 Mauretania Dome
✈️ Walkergate — AWAY

One of the best teams in the North East vs us…
Surely that’s no challenge for Walkergate, right? 😂

Come for the football.
Stay for the excuses.
Pray for the three points. 🙏🤣

🟡⚫ COME ON WALKERGATE! 🟡⚫

Fans, this one’s for you. 😑

Two losses on the bounce and suddenly the Sunday team doesn’t exist. 👻

No points = no likes.
No wins = no posts.
No excuses = absolutely none.

Nothing else to report… WE ARE ST.** 💩😂

⚽️ SUNDAY = MATCHDAY ⚽️
🟡⚫️ WALKERGATE vs WHICKHAM FELLSIDE 🟢🟡

The unbeaten run continues… 😮‍💨🔥

Played 1. Lost 0.
Please don’t ask how many we’ve won. 😂

One game. One draw. INVINCIBLES. 🏆
Arsenal 03/04, we’re coming for you.

There’s a strange feeling around the Fossway this year. Could this finally be the magical season? ✨

Anything could happen…

👀 Who’s that lurking in the bushes?
Scouts? Opposition management? Local wildlife?
Have a closer look at the poster… 🌳😂

⏱️ Will Alberto make an appearance this Sunday?
The clue might be in the name, but absolutely nothing about this football club happens ASAP.

🩼 Will Da Costa ever be fit again?
At this point we’re considering having his name permanently engraved on the treatment table.

🤕 Will Kane make his long-awaited return?
Or will the mysterious Sunday-only bad back strike again?
Monday–Saturday: fit as a fiddle. Sunday morning: suddenly needs an MRI. 😂

✨ And if this really IS the magical season…

Will Kelly and Short hair grow back? 👨‍🦲🪄
We said magical, lads. Not miraculous. 😭😂

And after the lads somehow managed to get through last week without a proper argument, tensions must be reaching dangerous levels.

Surely we’re overdue one?
Ref? Opposition? Each other? Linesman? Random bloke walking his dog?

Someone’s getting it. 😭😂

📅 Sunday 23rd
⏰ 10:30am KO
📍 Fossway Recreation Field, NE6 4QR

Come down and witness history as Walkergate attempt to extend the mighty unbeaten run from ONE GAME… to TWO. 🏆😂

Maybe this really is our year.

Probably not.

But after getting promoted from third bottom, anything is possible at Walkergate. 😭🟡⚫️

UP THE GATE 🟡⚫️

Kindly sponsored by JB Joinery & Interiors LTD

⚔️ FULL TIME: WALKERGATE II 2–0 Turbinia FC ⚔️
🏡 THE “BATTLE” OF THE FOSSWAY

Apparently this was being billed as “The Battle of the Fossway.”

Battle? 😂

Lads, we stormed the beaches of Normandy, fought at Hastings and sacrificed generations of Walkergate legends for this patch of grass. Turbinia pitch-share for five minutes and suddenly they’re planting flags and calling it home. 😭🏳️

You don’t pitch-share with Walkergate. You lodge with us.

Turbinia turned up ready for war. Walkergate turned up for a leisurely Sunday morning stroll around the back garden.

2–0. Job done. Tenants reminded who owns the gaff. 🔑

⚽ Gavin White opened the scoring after a disgustingly delicious assist from Haggis. Michelin-star service. Gavin just had to eat. 🍽️

⚽ Then Dean Cole spotted the keeper off his line from about 25 yards and casually chipped him.

When asked why he didn’t take it closer, Dean reportedly replied:

“Why would I waste my time running another 20 yards against these?” 😭😭

They called it The Battle of the Fossway.

We call it Sunday.

Turbinia couldn’t win a game of kerbsie never mind a battle. They came to conquer our home and left with zero goals, zero points and directions back to their changing room. 🗺️

On a separate note, the club would like to announce that a cardigan has been handed into the Walkergate Lost & Found. 🧥

Judging by the condition and design, we’re estimating the owner to be approximately 94 years old and possibly on their way to the bingo when it went missing

Welcome to the pitch-share lads. Rent’s due Monday. 💷

🟡⚫ WALKERGATE II — 2
⚫ TURBINIA FC — 0

THE FOSSWAY REMAINS OURS. 🏡🟡⚫

⚽️ FULL TIME: Blakelaw FC Seniors 1–1 WALKERGATE 🟡⚫️

First game of the season done and dusted and, most importantly… WE’RE UNBEATEN. STOP THE COUNT. 😂

A proper tight, competitive Sunday League battle today. Both sides had chances to win it, both sides decided actually scoring them sounded like far too much effort. 🤝

Being just round the corner from Newcastle Airport was fitting, because the linesmen spent that much time with their flags in the air we’re fairly certain three Ryanair flights tried to land on the pitch. ✈️🚩😂

🧱 Jack Warren with an absolute masterclass at the back. Calm, composed and apparently under the impression he was prime Maldini for 90 minutes. Man of the Match and fully deserved. 👏

🕺 Lamid Olanrewaju with the goal and the dazzling dancing feet up top. Defenders getting twisted, turned and sent in directions they definitely didn’t plan on going. Someone check their ankles.

🏃‍♂️ And the lads in centre midfield… absolutely relentless. Covered that much ground today there’ll be holes in the bottom of their socks and a Strava notification asking if they’ve accidentally completed a half marathon. 😂

Plenty of positives, plenty to build on and, unlike most Walkergate season openers, no immediate reason to consider folding the club. 💛🖤

Big thanks to Blakelaw for a cracking competitive game. We wish them all the best for the rest of the season…

Except when they play us again. Obviously. Hope they’re absolutely sh*te that day. 🤝😂

BLAKELAW 1–1 WALKERGATE

⚽️ GOAL: Lanre Lamid
⭐️ MOTM: Jack Warren

ONE TEAM. ONE CLUB. WALKERGATE. 🟡⚫️

🌞🌑 BREAKING NEWS FROM WALKERGATE FC…

While the rest of the country has been told DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE SUN, Lawson Da Costa has apparently taken that as a personal challenge. 😭😭

The lad is absolutely DETERMINED to witness the eclipse tonight with his own two eyes.

Eclipse glasses? ❌
Common sense? ❌
Retinas by 9pm? Pending… ⏳
Big massive coat in August? ABSOLUTELY. ✅😭

We’ve told him approximately 14 times that it’s warm outside and he can take the jacket off.

His response?

“MAN’S NOT HOT.” 🥶

☀️ 24°C
🧥 Jacket still zipped up
💦 Sweating like a centre-half after 11 minutes
👀 Squinting directly into the heavens
🌑 Still no sign of the eclipse
🫡 Still committed

Scientists have confirmed the moon will eventually block the sun.

Unfortunately, nothing on this earth is capable of separating Lawson from that jacket.

The eclipse lasts a few minutes.

The drip is permanent. 🧥😭

Sponsored by JB Joinery & Interiors LTD— because apparently even they couldn’t build enough shade to get this jacket off him. 😂

🟡⚫️ UP THE GATE ⚫️🟡

📣⚽ NEW SEASON. SAME OLD WALKERGATE. ⚽📣

This Sunday we kick off the new season away to Blakelaw… because apparently seeing each other twice in the last 6 weeks just wasn’t enough. 😂

So far we’ve managed to collect a massive 1 point from a possible 6 against them. 🔥
Some call that poor form.
We call it building suspense. 😎

After last season, surely things can only get better for Walkergate?

Surely?

I mean… they literally can’t get much worse.

…can they? 👀😂

Let’s not forget, we finished THIRD BOTTOM last season and somehow still managed to get PROMOTED. 🏆😭

Who even does that?

WALKERGATE, THAT’S WHO. 🖤💛

Other clubs earn promotion through winning games.
We prefer the administrative route. 🤝😂

📍 Blakelaw Leisure United
📅 Sunday 16th August
⏰ 10:30am KO

New league.
New season.
Same questionable defending.
Same lads blowing out their arses after 15 minutes.
Same manager wondering why he bothers.
Same belief that “this could actually be our year” before reality hits at approximately 10:47am. 😂

Up the Gate. 🖤💛

WE’RE BACK. WHETHER THE LEAGUE WANTED US OR NOT. 🍻⚽😂

🚨 MATCH DAY ANNOUCEMENT🚨

The wait is over… the boots are (sort of) clean, the hamstrings are already tight, and it’s finally time for some proper Sunday League football. 💛🖤

⚽ Walkergate FC 🆚 Hexham Ex Service Football Club
📅 Sunday 2nd August
⏰ 10:30am Kick Off

We’ve heard the Hexham cheerleaders are making the trip… and to be fair, so are we. 👀😂

The big question is…

Will they still fancy Lewis Walker after he’s had 5 pints of Stella? 🍺🤣

Expect:
✅ 40-yard screamers (attempted) (Usman Ogidan)
✅ Last-man tackles followed by “I got the ball, ref!” (TheoriginalAfrican)
✅ Someone playing with a hangover (Kane Oreilly)
✅ At least one player asking, “How long’s left?” after 12 minutes… (Jack Murphy)
✅ Lewis explaining why Stella is “basically isotonic”

Whether you’re here for the football, the banter or just to see if Jordan Robertson can keep his mouth shut before full-time, get yourselves down and make some noise.

Up The Gate! 💛🖤

📱 Breaking News… 📱

Our social media man has managed to break his phone… 🤦‍♂️

So, we’ve shamelessly pinched Wallsend Barking Dog FC match poster and made a very slight edit… we’re hoping they don’t notice! 😂

All jokes aside, tomorrow is all about raising money for an amazing cause at the Chloe & Liam Together Forever Trust

🕥 Kick-off: 10:30am
📍 Harton & Westoe Welfare

⚽ Football
🎈 Activities for the kids
🍻 Plenty of alcohol for the adults

Every penny raised on the day goes to a fantastic cause, so come along, enjoy the day, and help us make a difference.

See you all there! 💛⚽

😅