Holywell Squash Club

Match Report

Heswall vs Holywell 2nds

With all players available after not sustaining any domestic injuries 🐱Holywell 2nds travelled to Heswall for a lively night of squash, complete with towering tins, momentum swings, and enough drama to keep everyone leaning over the balcony rail.

At one, Mike Plumb took on Ross and very clearly arrived with unfinished business. Memories of a previous meeting, where Ross nicked the first game with awkward positioning and laser-guided returns hovering just above the tin, were still fresh. This time Mike served high, hit hard, and went all-in from the off. Despite a few brave drops falling victim to Heswall’s vertically ambitious tins, Mike barely broke a sweat and powered through to a convincing 3–0 win.

Next on, Lindsey faced Dave and promptly took control. Her backhand was outstanding all evening, opening the court beautifully and finishing points with crisp backhand kills. Lindsey dominated most of the match, briefly teasing everyone by nearly throwing away a big lead in the third game, before sensibly deciding to win it instead. A composed 3–1 victory and a strong contribution for Holywell.

At three, Chris Bunnell went up against Lucy in what turned into the night’s most nerve-shredding encounter. Chris stormed into a two-game lead, hitting the ball with his usual enthusiasm and leaving the balcony quietly calculating an early finish. Lucy had other ideas. She dragged the match back, setting up a fifth game that began with a rather generous double bounce call in her favour. From there it was nip and tuck to the very end, with Lucy edging it 3–2, much to the collective heart-rate spike of the Holywell contingent.

Meanwhile, Paul took on Paul in a match that was equal parts squash and service-box survival. Holywell Paul took the first game while doing his absolute best to keep at least one foot legal at all times. Heswall Paul then found success with well-timed boasts and delicate drops, turning the match around. A solid effort from our Paul, eventually going down 3–1, with the referee spending a suspicious amount of time watching footwear.

All eyes then turned to Roy Crompton, tasked with seeing the match home against Keith. Roy’s approach appeared to involve going a long way behind early in several games, just to test everyone’s nerves. From a heavy deficit in the first, Roy clawed his way back, while Keith, short on match fitness and recovering from a tennis elbow, was frequently bent double searching for breath. Full credit to Keith for battling on, but Roy’s unorthodox style and refusal to panic eventually wore him down. A gritty 3–1 win for Roy sealed the deal.

A thoroughly entertaining away win for Holywell 2nds, packed with power, flair, wobbling nerves, and at least one successful attempt to avoid a foot-fault-related incident. A great result on the road, and plenty to talk about on the journey home.

Match Report

Holywell 1 vs Xavarian

Venue: Somewhere between a squash court and an Antarctic research station

Holywell 1 hosted Xavarian on courts so cold the ball needed counselling before the warm-up. Breath visible, fingers numb, and movement best described as “optimistic”. In these conditions, squash becomes less a sport and more a test of character. Holywell brought plenty of that, if not quite enough wins.

Mike Dykins kicked things off and, despite losing 3–0, played like a man still powered by the aftershocks of an extremely successful Christmas. Whether it was turkey, trifle, or festive overconfidence, Mike hit the ball hard, early, and often. Unfortunately, Shaun absorbed it all and sent it back with interest. Scoreline harsh, effort unquestionable, waistband still recovering.

Wes Billings was the standout performer of the night, shaking off the cobwebs like they’d personally offended him. Freshly back into it but playing with real authority, Wes took control and powered to a 3–1 win. Sharp shots, smart movement, and a reminder to everyone watching that “just getting back into it” is Wes-speak for still very good at squash. Proper result.

Alex Day then delivered the match of the night, losing 3–2 but only after dragging his opponent through five brutal games. Alex ran around like a headless chicken with a Fitbit set to “punishment”, chasing down everything and nearly pulling off an incredible comeback in the fifth. Came agonisingly close, legs emptied, lungs burning, and absolutely nothing left on the court. Unlucky, but heroic.

Jason Osbourne followed, producing some of his best squash in recent memory, despite a 3–1 loss. Smooth movement, classy shot selection, and long periods of control showed just how well Jase O is playing right now. The scoreline doesn’t reflect how competitive this match was, nor how uncomfortable he made his opponent throughout.

Finally, Jason Shill, stepping up as the senior player with the team short on numbers, took on a tough task and went down 3–0. But context matters. In freezing conditions, against strong opposition, Jase led from the front, kept things competitive, and showed exactly why experience still counts when the odds are stacked and the heating is broken.

Summary

A 6–18 scoreline on paper, but far more fight than that suggests. One win, two matches that could easily have swung the other way, and a team performance full of effort, humour, and frostbite. Holywell 1 battled hard in conditions better suited to penguins, and if nothing else, proved once again that resilience thrives even when circulation doesn’t.

Next time, same fight… ideally with functioning radiators. ❄️💥

On a side note........ Paws for effect...

Disaster has struck our league campaign, not with a lung-bursting rally or a heroic dive, but with the gentle clink of a cat’s bowl on a kitchen floor. Dan Font, our squash talisman pulled out at the eleventh hour, defeated by gravity, ceramics, and feline nutrition 🐱🥣.

This is a man whose spine has endured years of airborne assaults and physics-defying landings, yet has been felled by the most dangerous move in sport: bending down at home. Somewhere in his back, a quiet “nope” was issued, and that was that.

Let the opposition imagine crocodiles or match-ball heroics. The truth is better. Our star lies humbled by domestic duty, living proof that peak athleticism offers no defence against cats and bowls 🐾. Get well soon, Dan. Next time, let the cat sort itself out.

Meow.

🎄 Holywell Squash Club 🎄

Another year wrapped up at Holywell, where the squash was… present 🎁the rallies were ambitious, and the social media output remained proudly average. 🎾
We’ve perfected the art of mediocrity on court and online — consistency is key, after all.

Thanks to everyone who played, spectated, or pretended not to notice the questionable technique (and even more questionable captions).
Wishing all our members, rivals, and long-suffering followers a very Merry Christmas and a New Year full of slightly better squash… and maybe slightly better posts. 🎅🥂

MATCH REPORT

Holywell Away at Heswall

Final Score: Heswall 20 – Holywell 1
(But what a point it was)

Holywell rocked up to Heswall full of misplaced confidence and left with a lesson in humility so severe it should have come with safeguarding warnings. The scoreboard was ugly, the squash was uglier, but at least the Guinness still worked.

1st Match

Wes “Formula for Disaster” Billings vs Alex

Kicking things off was Wes Billings, running on two hours’ sleep, courtesy of his twin newborns. Wes had forgotten absolutely everything — tactics, footwork, the score, and most worryingly, the baby formula — but somehow remembered just enough squash to embarrass himself with purpose.

There were moments where he looked dangerous… mostly to himself. Despite heroic levels of sleep deprivation, Wes went down 3–0, before wandering off looking like a man who needed either a nap or a social worker.

2nd Match

Stu “One-Pint Wonder” Thomas vs Chris

This was it. The peak. The only reason Holywell didn’t get whitewashed.

Stu Thomas somehow clawed his way to a game win, instantly becoming Man of the Match by default. At 8–4 up in the fourth, Stu mentally checked out, already ordering a Guinness in his head and picturing himself as a local hero.

What followed was a world-class bottle job. The legs stopped, the brain left the building, and the fourth game disappeared faster than Stu at last orders. A 3–1 loss, but Holywell’s only point of the night, heroically earned and immediately drowned in stout.

3rd Match

Roy “Last Week’s Highlight Reel” Crompton vs Andy

Last week’s star, this week’s cautionary tale.

Roy Crompton arrived with confidence left over from previous glory and left with none of it intact. Whatever magic he’d been sprinkling around last week had completely evaporated, replaced by tired boasts and loose shots.

A ruthless 3–0 loss, and a reminder that squash form is as fragile as Holywell’s morale.

4th Match

Dan “All Pace, No Purpose” Font vs Mark

Dan Font was everywhere. Front wall, back wall, side wall — sometimes all at once. Unfortunately, none of that frantic speed translated into anything remotely useful.

Dan covered more ground than a lawnmower but achieved precisely nothing with it, racing enthusiastically toward a 3–0 defeat. Impressive cardio, pointless outcome.

5th Match

Mike “Midlife Crisis” Forty vs Andy

Last on was Mike, freshly turned 40, and still visibly suffering from celebrations that should’ve been retired along with his youth. Movement was optional, reactions were delayed, and the general vibe suggested a man playing squash through a fog of regret.

Every rally looked like a negotiation with his hamstrings. Andy showed absolutely no mercy, handing Mike a 3–0 loss, while Mike contemplated whether turning 40 should come with a medical exemption.

The Aftermath

Heswall 20 – Holywell 1

A brutal night. A humbling night. A night where Holywell were taken apart piece by piece — but still walked away with one Guinness-powered point and enough excuses to last the season.

Next week,
Hopefully more sleep.
Definitely more Guinness. 🍺

🏆Match report🏆

Holywell welcomed Buckley Elfed for what was expected to be a tense evening of squash… only for Buckley to turn up one talisman short and four excuses heavy. Yes, the legendary Al Hol — Buckley’s self-proclaimed hero, saviour, and part-time squash player — was “unavailable.”
Unavailable? Really?
More like unwilling, unprepared, or possibly recovering from the realisation that his glory days at Holywell are still talked about and he just couldn’t face the nostalgia. Rumour has it he saw the fixture list, felt a twinge in his knee, remembered his age, and immediately declared himself out. Convenient.

Anyway, onto the action…

Alex Day vs Jamie Robertson – 3–0
Alex delivered a clean, clinical, and downright smug 3–0, casually dismantling his opponent like he was taking apart IKEA furniture with the wrong Allen key but still succeeding. Jamie worked hard, but Alex was in “I’m-not-dropping-a-game-tonight” mode. Solid stuff.

Jason Shill vs Chris Brown – 3–0
Jason also stormed to a 3–0 win, proving once again that Old Man Strength is absolutely a thing. He may creak when he bends, wheeze when he lunges, and take three days to recover from tying his shoes, but once inside that glass box, he rolls back the years.
We’d say it was a vintage performance… but at this point Jason is the vintage.

Chris Bunnell vs Graeme Jones – 3–1
Chris treated the crowd to the traditional Holywell four-game special. Why win 3–0 when you can lose concentration for just long enough to make everyone nervous? A gritty 3–1, complete with the usual assortment of “winning rallies followed immediately by inexplicable errors.”
Classic Bunnell entertainment.

Andrew Harrop vs Paul Davies – 0–3
Ah, the clash of the evening. Andrew battled valiantly, but Paul Davies brought his A-game… and his A-level foot faults. Honestly, the man must hold the international record. It’s like trying to return serve against someone hopping between counties.
Still, footwork crimes aside, he played well and Andrew had no answer to the barrage of serves delivered from everywhere except the correct position.

Walkover at String 5

Overall Score: Holywell 17 – Buckley 4
A strong Holywell win… helped massively by Buckley’s missing juggernaut, the elusive Al Hol.
Unavailable? Please.
More like hiding.
Too scared.
Too worried that returning to Holywell would trigger flashbacks of the days when he could actually run for a ball instead of just thinking about running for a ball.

Holywell Leisure SC 1 vs Barnton CC 1
“A Night So Bad Even the Fire Alarm Tried to Evacuate Itself”

Holywell arrived with optimism, energy, and belief.
All three evaporated within the first 90 seconds.

Tonight wasn’t just a loss.
It was a historical event.
Future generations will study this fixture as a cautionary tale about hubris and poor decision-making.

Daniel “Chaos With Legs” Font vs Blake Bettley

Dan began the match like he’d been tasered. The man was EVERYWHERE.
He retrieved shots that hadn't even been hit yet.
He retrieved shots from other courts.
He retrieved shots from parallel dimensions.

But Blake—calm, composed, borderline bored—simply dropped the ball into the nick every time Dan finished sprinting a marathon.

Dan’s lungs attempted to resign in the second game but were denied due to "staff shortages."

Result: 0–3
Calories burned: the entire menu at KFC.

Alex “Go-Go-Gadget-Futility” Day vs Dom Price

Alex unfolded his limbs like some kind of Eldritch windmill.
Arms extended to the length of a fishing trawler.
Legs telescoped out like budget scaffolding.

But for all this freakish bioengineering, the actual squash results were…
…less Inspector Gadget, more Inspector Can't-Get-It.

Dom, cruelly, clinically, repeatedly hit the ball into the one spot Alex’s gadget arms didn’t reach:
anywhere sensible.

Result: 0–3
New NASA measurement unit invented: 1 Alex-arm = 4.6 metres.

Roy “Biblical Miracle” Crompton vs Lee Washburn

Roy winning that first game wasn’t a fluke.
It wasn’t luck.
It was a full-blown supernatural event.

Angels wept.
Clouds parted.
Somewhere, a choir stood up.

Lee’s reaction in game two: “Absolutely not.”

He then reintroduced Roy to gravity, physics, and humility with the efficiency of a German engineering manual.

Games 2–4 were so one-sided they may be studied in economics classes.

Result: 1–3
Roy’s highlight: a single game.
Roy’s downfall: the next three.

Michael “Held Together With Dental Floss” Plumb vs Steve Spedding

Mike’s back was so catastrophically compromised it arrived at the club on a stretcher.
He warmed up by trying to touch his toes and only got halfway before his spine filed divorce papers.

Once on court, he moved with all the fluidity of a broken supermarket trolley.

Every rally was a medical documentary.
Every lunge was a workers’ strike in his lumbar region.
Every swing was a desperate attempt to negotiate peace with his own skeleton.

Steve showed no mercy whatsoever.
Cold. Efficient. Practically German about it.

Result: 0–3
Back status: now legally classified as rubble.

Stuart “Guinness-First, Squash-Second” Thomas vs Robert Blair (II)

Stu started well—if “well” means “standing upright and holding a racket.”

But his mind?
Firmly at the bar.
Already swirling a creamy pint like it was a newborn child.

Every time Robert hit a winner, Stuart’s internal Guinness got 10% colder and 20% closer.

By game three, Stu’s footwork was powered exclusively by stout-based fantasies.

When the match ended, he sprinted off court so fast he created a small weather event.

Result: 0–3
Pints consumed after: classified information.

Special Dedication: MIKE “SELFISH BIRTHDAY FRAUD” DYKINS

The biggest betrayal of the night wasn’t on court.
It was off it.

Mike “I’m turning 40, boo hoo” Dykins abandoned—
ABANDONED—
his team in their darkest hour.

Most people celebrate turning 40 with:

A meal

A drink

A moment of reflection

Mike celebrated by saying:
“Yeah lads, enjoy being humiliated without me.”

Turning 40 isn’t an excuse.
It’s a number.
It’s barely even maths.

Holywell needed him.
But Mike chose cake over courage.
Balloons over bravery.
Party hats over patriotism.

We will never forget.
We will never forgive.

FINAL RESULT: 1–20

Holywell didn’t lose.
They performed an interpretive dance about losing.
A whole-body theatrical production of failure.

But spirits remain high.
Because Holywell always bounce back.

Mostly because gravity insists.

Match Report: Neston 2 vs Holywell – “An Autopsy, Not a Contest”

Fresh off their shock win last week, Holywell arrived at Neston riding high on last week’s win — strutting in like a budget Rocky Balboa, humming their own entrance music, convinced they were about to shock the world.

By 7:10pm, they were asking if anyone had the number for the Samaritans.

Neston performed what can only be described as a group euthanasia, ending Holywell’s momentum with the delicacy and compassion of a brick through a greenhouse window.

Will Silvester vs Dan “Olympic Badminton Dropout” Font — 3–0
Dan Font’s Game 3 performance will be remembered for generations.

A 0-point explosion of incompetence so complete that historians will argue for decades whether it was intentional performance art.

Dan didn't score because he’s spent so long playing badminton that he genuinely believed the squash ball would float up if he just waited long enough.
He kept flicking at it with that tiny delicate badminton wrist like a man trying to shoo away a moth.

At one point Will almost apologised.
Almost.

Dan left the court with fewer points than sense.
Still, credit to him — it's hard to get absolutely NOTHING. That takes talent.

Cameron Lea-Swain vs Mike “Human Stroke Machine” Dykins — 3–0
Mike gave away strokes like he was handing out leaflets for a failing window-cleaning business.

Cameron didn’t so much win as stand there while Mike self-destructed.
It was like watching a man trip over his own feet repeatedly while insisting he’s fine.

If Mike does this for two more weeks, the league will start awarding him gift aid.

Jon Hunter vs Wes “Failed Aquaman” Billings — 3–1
Wes approached the court like he was entering a pool — shoulders back, chest out, ready to demonstrate swimming technique no one asked for.

Jon won because he played squash.
Wes lost because he played dry-land synchronized swimming.

There were moments mid-rally when Jon genuinely looked like he wanted to throw Wes a float.

Simon Dutton vs Alex “Cardio Psychopath” Day — 3–1
If you’ve never seen Alex run, imagine a spaniel who's just heard the treat bag open.
He moves like every muscle in his body is individually possessed by demons.

He generated enough heat to power the floodlights.

Simon watched him tear around the court like a toddler after Haribos, then calmly slotted the ball away while Alex’s soul left his body and hovered near the ceiling.

By the end Alex looked like he'd completed a triathlon through a volcano.

Joe Shill vs Stu “Guinness-Fuelled Disaster” Thomas — 3–0
Stu turned up lubricated nicely with two Guinnesses from the golf club, which is roughly the equivalent of a warm-up jog if you live in Dublin.

Unfortunately, this isn’t Dublin.

Joe Shill — ex-Holywell, current Judas Iscariot — showed no mercy.
He hit Stu with winners, drops, and existential questions like:

“Why did you think Guinness was a good idea?”

Stu’s legs moved at 0.5× speed, like someone accidentally turned on energy-saving mode.

This match ended faster than Stu could say “I probably shouldn’t have had that second pint.”

FINAL SCORE:
Neston 2 – 20 | Holywell – 2

Holywell — last week’s heroes — were dragged back to reality so violently that several of them may require counselling.
Neston reestablished dominance, order, and common sense.

And Dan Font is reportedly still waiting at the back of the court for the squash ball to finally float up like a shuttlecock

📣 HOLYWELL SQUASH CLUB – CLUB NIGHT!

This Tuesday & Thursday • From 19:20 onwards

📍 Everyone welcome — yes, even if your “strategy” is just hitting the ball really hard.

Ready to sweat, laugh, and question your hand–eye coordination?
Then join us for Club Night!

🎾 Fast rallies
😂 Big laughs
💥 Shots you’ll claim were “totally intentional”
🥵 A workout so real your smartwatch thinks you’ve escaped something
😮 And that magical moment when you finally hit the nick… by accident

Whether you're a beginner, a pro, or someone who just enjoys whacking things against walls, we’ve saved you a court.

Come join us at Holywell Squash Club — the only place where it's socially acceptable to repeatedly hit walls on purpose.
Come for the squash, stay becuase your legs won't let you leave.

Holywell vs LCC2: The Miracle on Court Street.

Holywell entered the fixture with the swagger of a team who’d already secured one win this season… which is exactly what they’d done. One. Singular. A lonely victory sitting in the league table like a forgotten shoe.
But tonight? Tonight was different. Tonight they marched heroically toward WIN NUMBER TWO — statistically doubling their success rate and multiplying their optimism by roughly a thousand.

Dan “I Actually Play Badminton” Font – 3–2 Win
Our number one, Dan, who continues to masquerade as a squash player despite being contractually tied to the badminton world, once again took to the court wielding a squash racket like an unfamiliar gardening tool.
Yet somehow — probably through sheer confusion inflicted upon his opponent — he produced a cracking 3–2 win.
Rumour has it he asked mid-match whether the shuttlecock was out.

Wes “Brilliant Again” Billings – 3–1 Win
Wes strutted on court as one of the form players of the team, and once again delivered a win so commanding it should probably have come with a parental advisory warning.
A storming 3–1, full of power, precision, and the sort of dominance that suggests he might actually enjoy carrying this team on his back.

Alex “Backs to the Wall” Day – 3–2 Win
Alex’s match had more drama than a Netflix series. Outplayed? Sometimes. Cornered? Frequently. Back to the wall? Absolutely — and not even metaphorically at points.
But like a man who’d been told this was the last pint before closing time, he fought back against all odds to clinch a heroic 3–2 win.
Some say his heart rate still hasn’t returned to normal.

Jason “Putting in a Shift” Osborne –
Jason, in only his second outing of the season, delivered a gritty performance full of hustle, effort, and suspiciously heavy breathing.
Yes, he lost — but he made his opponent work so hard that several spectators needed a lie down just from watching.
A valiant shift, and the fitness data will no doubt confirm he burned enough calories to justify two desserts.

Matty “Still New but Still Running” Kerry – Another Big Effort In just his second match, Matty showed enough running to suggest he might have misunderstood whether substitutions were allowed.
Despite the result not going his way, he chased everything, swung at everything, and probably apologised to everything — including the walls.
A shift so big the club should really put his name down for overtime.

FINAL RESULT: HOLYWELL 3 – 2 LCC2
A gritty, sweaty, improbable, borderline mythological SECOND WIN OF THE SEASON.

At this rate, Holywell are on course for FOUR wins by 2030, and frankly the league needs to brace itself.