positivitea.yogi

.. and that’s what I am learning the most right now. The hardest part is, I really wish you were on this rollercoaster with me.. 🤍

Yesterday, I spread my Mums ashes at her absolute favourite place, Sandsend beach in Whitby. She always wanted to live by the sea and this was her long term goal for her retired life. She always said that her vision was to be having her cup of tea watching the waves, listening to the sounds of the water. It took me a long while to do this but somehow I feel more at peace knowing she is where she wanted to be all along ✨

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Honestly… heartbreak and grief has such a weird way of rerouting your whole life, doesn’t it? Something so incredibly wrong somehow leads to a right, no matter what that ‘right’ is for you.

You think it’s taking you somewhere you absolutely do not want to go, and then somehow… you end up at a destination you didn’t even know existed. A place, a version of yourself, a life you never would’ve found if everything had gone to plan..

Things are happening, changing and moving since my Mum passed and all I am doing is not resisting them. All I keep thinking is, could this become the start of something I would never have imagined possible? 🥹

Honestly, one of the hardest parts of grief for me has been accepting that it isn’t going to leave or “get better”. To accept that I will never “recover” from it.

I am a natural giver. I want to help someone feel better and try to eliminate stress from others lives which is why I find this so hard to understand for myself. How is it that I can’t do that now, for me?

In the last 5 months I have truly realised that grief is totally different to anything else I have ever experienced. I must admit.. I was very naive to grief of a loved one before it happened to me and in some ways I feel a little ashamed of myself for not knowing the depth of it. But.. grief isn’t feeling stressed about a situation, it isn’t a break up that you eventually move on from, it’s not a bad day, bad week, bad year. It’s a feeling that will never truly go away because it’s not meant to.

Grief comes from love. The bigger the love, the bigger the grief. So of course I can’t fix it or eventually feel better because the heart will never stop feeling that love.

I am learning to accept that. I am learning to accept that I can bring that pain of grief with me through my journey in every moment, even in the times of pure joy and happiness. Yes it’s tough but it’s life now. And in some small way I can be grateful for it because it allows me to see the present moment for what it is and to cherish those joyous moments because life really can be too short..

So that’s where I am at with grief, it’s a roller coaster of feelings, emotions, acceptance and it’s with me for the long haul. But that’s ok to accept and how lucky am I to have loved so deeply ♥️