10/09/2026
Finding my way through grief 💚
I’ve been thinking a lot about grief lately, and I thought I’d write some of it down. My dad passed away nearly two months ago. We knew he wasn’t well, but nothing quite prepares you for that phone call. The one that tells you someone you love has died. You sit there numb, not knowing whether to cry, what to do, or even what you’re supposed to feel.
And then, while you’re trying to process it, there’s suddenly this enormous list of things you need to deal with. Registering the death. Arranging the funeral. Emptying a house. Sorting through everything your dad owned, with a deadline hanging over you. Choosing music and flowers. Writing about the person they were. Contacting banks, companies, and everyone else who needs to know. Filling out forms, sending death certificates, proving who you are… only for something to come back because you ticked the wrong box 🙃
Honestly, grief should come with a personal assistant and a very good filing system.
Arranging the funeral was something I had never experienced before, and it was incredibly hard. Then came the funeral itself. I was shaking from head to toe throughout it. There were lots of people there and Dad had a lovely send‑off 💐 but even then, I don’t think I had really started to grieve. Because there was still more to do. Letters arriving about the estate. Questions about money. More things to organise. More decisions to make.
And then this week… it’s like everything has finally caught up with me. I feel numb. I can’t concentrate. Dad is constantly in my head. I cry. I want to cry. I’m exhausted — mentally and physically. I’ve managed to go to work, but I cancelled my Zumba. I’ve come home, seen the family, eaten, and just wanted to go upstairs, shut the door, and get into bed. And honestly? That’s okay. 💛
I have amazing friends who say, “I’m here if you need me.” I have a supportive family and people at work who know what’s going on. I know I can pick up the phone if I need somebody. But the truth is… I don’t always want to talk. And I think that’s something people don’t always understand about grief. Sometimes you don’t want to explain how you’re feeling. Sometimes you don’t want to hear someone else’s grief story, however kind the intention. Sometimes you just want to be left alone.
I spend so much of my life talking — at work, basically on the phone constantly, dealing with people, being “on”. Even at Zumba, I’m in the spotlight with everyone looking at me. Sometimes I just want to hide. And when I’m on my own, watching a box set, having a cry, sleeping too much or doing absolutely nothing… that can actually be what helps me. It doesn’t mean I’m not coping. It doesn’t mean I need someone to fix me. It just means this is how I’m coping right now 💚
I was offered support and counselling, which is genuinely a wonderful thing. But support doesn’t look the same for everyone. Some people need to talk. Some need company. Some need professional help. And some people just need someone to say, “I’m here,” and then let them be quiet.
There’s another layer to all of this for me too. My mum who is in a care home I haven’t been able to face seeing her since I got the news about Dad, and I feel incredibly guilty about that. Logically, I know she may not know I’m there. But I know I haven’t been there… and that hurts too 💔
I’m not writing this because I have some great advice on how to deal with grief — I don’t. I’m writing it because maybe someone else is feeling exactly the same. Wondering why they don’t want to talk. Why they’re exhausted. Why they want to hide. Why they’re not grieving the way they thought they would.
Maybe you don’t have to.
Maybe you just have to get through today.
So if you’re grieving and someone tells you to talk about it but you don’t want to, that’s okay. If you do want to talk, that’s okay too. If you want to cry, watch Netflix, sleep, go for a walk, sit in silence, or hide from the world for a little while… that’s okay.
There is no perfect way to grieve.
This is just mine. And right now, I’m taking it one day at a time 🤍
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