Zoe Joanna Coaching

"You just need to get better with uncertainty."

This is something many autistic and AuDHD people hear throughout their lives.

But what if the struggle with uncertainty isn't simply a mindset issue?

What if it's not something that needs fixing?

Many autistic and AuDHD people seem to experience uncertainty differently.

You might notice it in:
• Wanting to know the plan
• Asking lots of questions
• Feeling overwhelmed by last-minute changes
• Needing time to process what's happening
• Finding the unknown exhausting

This can often be seen in childhood, long before someone has the language to explain it.

That doesn't mean life experiences, trauma or being misunderstood don't play a role. They absolutely can.

But sometimes there is a difference between:

🟣 A fear of uncertainty that developed because of painful experiences

and

🟣 A brain that naturally finds uncertainty more difficult to process

Often, it's a combination of both.

As support professionals, parents, partners or friends, it can be helpful to ask:

"How can I help this person feel more informed, prepared and supported?"

rather than

"How do I get them to stop needing certainty?"

Sometimes growth isn't about learning to love uncertainty.

Sometimes it's about having enough safety, understanding and support to cope when uncertainty inevitably shows up.

There is a difference between helping someone build capacity and expecting them to become someone they're not.

Zoe ✨

One of the things I care deeply about in my work is creating a space where people don't have to perform the "right" neurodivergent experience.

Not everyone experiences ADHD in the same way.

Some people feel enormous relief when they're diagnosed.

Some experience grief.

Some feel angry.

Some feel validated.

Some don't feel much at all.

And all of those experiences are valid 😊

I've had clients worry that because they don't feel grief, they must not "really" have ADHD or they'll be judged.

Others worry that because they do feel grief, they're somehow being negative about their diagnosis instead of being it as a superpower or positive.

ADHD is not a personality. It's not a single story. It's not a checklist of emotions you're supposed to have after diagnosis.

Your experience is YOUR experience.

And as a coach, I'm not here to judge how you feel about ADHD. I'm not here to tell you that you should feel relieved, grateful, devastated, empowered or anything else.

I'm here to understand your experience.

Because when we stop comparing our reactions to everyone else's, we create space for something much more important: honesty.

And honesty is often where healing, understanding and self compassion begins.

Whether ADHD felt like an answer, a loss, a relief, a shock, or simply a piece of information, your experience deserves to be heard without judgment.

Zoe ✨

I love it when clients show me something they're working on, a new hobby, an old hobby revived or share something positive.

But it's not always that straightforward for us to share the good.

Sometimes we're used to sitting in the "bad" or negatives or sharing the difficult parts of our lives. That's often what we're here for, to figure out the stuckness, the hard parts of life etc

So it can sometimes feel weird or unnatural to also share the joy, the good, the achievements.

We may think "does this person really need or want to know that?" " Do they really care?"

But we can also worry that "what if they think I'm all better now?" "What if they end the sessions? I don't feel ready for that yet"

And sometimes... We aren't used to sharing the good in our lives. It can feel like we're bragging, being self centered or showing off.

So what may seem simple, isn't always.

Maybe it's something we may want to chat about. What brings you joy? When was the last time you really laughed? What would it feel like to share something positive?

But it can take time to build that trust to have these conversations. As always we go at your pace 😊

Just know that the good is welcome here.

And to add... Sometimes we need a space to share that too. Without feeling judged, without someone one upping us or belittling it. Not all of us have a space to share the good and the joy and so it can make it harder to access.

I'm here for it all ✨

Zoe

Sometimes we need someone to hear the anger, the pain, the frustration and hurt our ADHD causes us.

And I mean REALLY hear it.

Because often we've been told that we're being too dramatic, it's not that bad or that we have messed up and even receiving comments like "why can't you just set a reminder?" "You forgot again!!?"

And in my 4 years of working with ADHD people... None of them have ever forgotten something, missed an appointment or not got the washing out of the machine because they don't care, are trying to p*ss you off or just love wasting your time.

But when you've been met with years of being told off, had eyes rolled at you, disappointed looks or thousands of little comments made, then naturally we think we're the problem. We shame ourselves, we tell ourselves off and we get really angry because we know we've "messed up".

And sometimes we need someone we can talk to that gets it. That will listen to how it feels for us and not judge us or try and get us to see the positive or throw another tool at us that reinforces the belief that we aren't doing enough and are missing something.

(You're not btw)

You try really hard and being seen in that, held in that and accepted as we are in that moment is what often creates the change we're looking for.

Because then we start giving ourselves some compassion, the rumination stops, we see the reality of the situation and our nervous system softens.

And when all that happens, maybe we finally have space in our head to check the calendar, to book in another appointment and feel ease around it, not shame or guilt or stress.

Life is hard enough, let's not make it harder, let's make it softer, kinder and more joyful. Even if we miss an appointment.

It doesn't mean we stop caring or stop trying but it also doesn't mean we have to beat ourselves into submission or punish ourselves when we really are just trying our f*cking best.

✨ Zoe

ADHD support is often sold as a way to become more productive.

Better routines.
Better systems.
Better habits.
Better consistency.

And sometimes those things can help.

But often, the real work is deeper than that.

Because it’s not just about the dishes, the emails, the messy kitchen or the unfinished tasks.

It’s about the shame attached to them.

The feeling that you’re failing.
The pressure to be different.
The fear of being judged.
The belief that if you could just “get it together,” life would finally feel okay.

But what if the problem isn’t that you’re not trying hard enough?

What if you’ve spent years trying to live by expectations that were never built with you in mind?

In this work, we slow things down.

We look at the pressure underneath the pattern.
The shame underneath the procrastination.
The fear underneath the people-pleasing.
The nervous system underneath the overwhelm.

And slowly, something can begin to soften.

You might still do the dishes.
But you do them from calm, not shame.

That’s the kind of change this work is interested in.

Reach out if you're looking for longer lasting changes, not quick fixes that don't last and generic advice.

Zoe ✨