Personal Wellness Development - SJ

For a long time, I thought I was helping people change.

We would set goals, build routines, create accountability, and work on becoming more disciplined. Sometimes it worked. Often it didn't. The frustrating part wasn't that people lacked motivation. They genuinely wanted to change. They understood what they needed to do. They just couldn't seem to do it consistently.

That inconsistency became the most interesting part of my work.

If someone knows smoking is unhealthy, why do they still smoke?
If someone desperately wants a healthier relationship, why do they keep choosing familiar patterns that hurt them?
If an entrepreneur knows they need to have the difficult conversation, why do they postpone it for weeks?

The common explanation is that people lack discipline, confidence, or willpower. But those words decsribe the behaviour. They don't explain it.

The more I studied psychology, biology and neuroscience, the more I realised I had been looking in the wrong place........

Behaviour isn't where the story begins. It's where the story becomes visible.

Every behaviour is the result of thousands of experiences that have shaped how your nervous system predicts the world around you. Those predictions influence what feels safe, what feels threatening, what captures your attention, and ultimately, how you respond.

What looks like self-sabotage may actually be self-protection.
What looks like laziness may be exhaustion.
What looks like overthinking may be a nervous system trying to prevent another painful outcome.

That doesn't mean every behaviour is helpful...... It means every behaviour deserves to be understood before it can be changed.

That realisation completely changed the way I coach.

In fact, I no longer believe I'm in the business of changing people.
I believe I'm in the business of helping people understand themselves so deeply that change becomes a natural consequence of that understanding.

Over the coming weeks, I'm going to share the ideas that eventually became the foundation of human architecture. Not because I think I've found all the answers, but because I believe we have been asking the wrong questions.

And I think that matters.

- Sjoerd

'What you aren’t changing, you’re choosing.'

There is a sentence that has quietly become the foundation of almost everything I believe about human behaviour…..

You make perfect sense.

The first time people hear me say that, they often think I'm trying to make them feel better. As if I'm reassuring them that they're okay.
I'm not.
I'm making a very different point.

Somewhere along the way we've learned to judge ourselves by our behaviour. We procrastinate and conclude we're lazy. We avoid difficult conversations and conclude we're weak. We struggle with discipline and conclude we lack willpower. We keep ending up in unhealthy relationships and conclude there's something wrong with us…..

We've become experts at judging the outcome while remaining completely blind to the process that created it.
I don't think human beings work that way.

I don't believe people wake up one morning and decide to become anxious, emotionally unavailable, controlling, insecure or self-destructive. I believe every one of those behaviours developed because, at some point in life, your brain and nervous system learned that they solved a problem.

Maybe withdrawing from people protected you from rejection.
Maybe becoming a perfectionist protected you from criticism.
Maybe pleasing everyone around you protected an important relationship.
Maybe never slowing down kept you from having to feel something you'd rather avoid.
The behaviour isn't random.
It's an adaptation.

That's why I believe you make perfect sense!!!

Not because every behaviour is useful.
Not because every coping strategy should stay.
But because every behaviour has a history.

And if we never become curious about that history, we'll spend our lives fighting ourselves instead of understanding ourselves.
This is one of the biggest reasons people struggle to change.
They're trying to remove a behaviour without understanding what that behaviour has been protecting.

Imagine removing the roof from a house without asking why it was built in the first place. You might not like the roof. It may even need replacing. But if you don't understand its function, you'll create new problems while trying to solve the old one.

I think lasting change begins with a different question.
Not, "What's wrong with me?"
But, "What problem did my brain think this behaviour was solving?"
Because the moment you ask that question, you stop seeing yourself as broken.

You start seeing yourself as understandable.

And once you become understandable, change is no longer a battle against yourself.
It becomes a process of teaching your brain that the strategy which once kept you safe is no longer the one that will help you build the life you want.

That's why I believe you make perfect sense….!

- Sjoerd

There is a question I ask myself and I wonder if do it too.

What evidence are you using to conclude that you’re not making progress?

It’s a simple question, but the answer is almost always the same.

“I still overthink.” “I still get nervous.” “I still procrastinate.” “I still doubt myself.”

In other words, they’re measuring progress by whether uncomfortable thoughts or emotions still exist. I think that’s the wrong measurement.

Imagine someone walking into a gym for the very first time. Everything feels heavy. Their technique is poor. They leave out of breath, sore and wondering whether they’re built for this at all. If they judged their future based on that first session, they’d probably never come back.

Yet none of us expects strength to appear before the work. We understand that strength is the result of repeatedly doing something difficult, long before it feels natural.

So why do we expect our psychology to work differently?

Why do we believe confidence should come before difficult conversations? Why do we wait for discipline before we become consistent? Why do we expect self-belief before we’ve given ourselves enough experiences to justify believing in ourselves?

Growth rarely feels the way we imagine it will. Most of the time, it doesn’t feel like confidence. It feels like uncertainty. It feels like awkwardness. It feels like taking the next step while part of you is still questioning whether you’re capable of it.

That’s why so many people mistakenly believe they aren’t changing. They’re waiting for the discomfort to disappear, when in reality the discomfort is often part of the process itself.

The people who eventually transform their lives aren’t the ones who stop feeling fear, doubt or resistance. They’re the ones who stop using those feelings as evidence that they’re moving in the wrong direction. They learn that thoughts and emotions don’t always tell us where we’re going. Sometimes they simply reflect where we’ve been.

So here’s something I’d like you to do today.

Take five minutes and think back to a situation that would have completely overwhelmed you a year ago. Then ask yourself a different question than you normally would.

How would the version of you from a year ago have responded?

And how did you respond this time?

You may discover that you’ve been measuring progress by the wrong standard all along. Maybe the goal was never to stop struggling. Maybe the goal was to become someone who responds differently when the struggle inevitably arrives.

- Sjoerd

“What you aren’t changing, you’re choosing.”

For the past few weeks I've been trying to learn the double under crossover with a skipping rope. If you've never seen one before, it looks deceptively simple. You jump once, the rope passes underneath your feet twice and, during the second rotation, your hands cross before the rope clears your feet again.
Simple…….
Until you actually try it.

Most attempts end with the rope wrapped around my shoes. Sometimes it catches my calves.
Sometimes I don't even make it to the crossover. Every now and then I land one clean repetition, only to miss the next ten.

From the outside, it probably looks like I'm making very little progress.
From the inside, it can feel exactly the same.
That's the interesting part.

Our brain has a remarkable tendency to confuse not being good with not getting better.
Those aren't the same thing…….

Every failed repetition gives my brain new information. The timing was off. My hands crossed too early. I jumped too high. I stayed in the air too long. The movement wasn't coordinated yet. None of those repetitions were wasted. They were data. My brain was updating its prediction of how the movement should be performed.

Ironically, if I stopped making mistakes altogether, I'd probably stop learning.
Yet this is where so many people walk away.

Not just from learning a new skill, but from almost everything that could change their life.
They start a business and expect confidence after a few weeks. They go to the gym and expect to feel comfortable after a handful of sessions. They try to improve their relationship and assume that difficult conversations mean they're doing something wrong.

Somewhere along the way we've started believing that progress should feel smooth.
It rarely does.

Real progress often feels awkward, frustrating and surprisingly unimpressive. You spend weeks looking like someone who has no idea what they're doing. The only difference between the person who eventually masters the skill and the person who doesn't is that one of them understands what those frustrating repetitions actually are.

They aren't evidence that you're failing.
They're evidence that you're learning.
I think that's true for far more than a skipping rope. Most people don't fail because they're incapable.

They fail because they interpret the discomfort of learning as proof that they aren't meant to succeed.

The greatest mistake isn't missing the jump……..It's walking away before your brain has had enough opportunities to figure it out.

- Sjoerd

"What you aren't changing, you're choosing."

One of the reasons I love training has very little to do with building muscle, getting stronger or looking better.

For me, training has become one of the greatest opportunities to study my own mind.
Every workout creates a conversation. Most people hear it, but very few actually listen to it. Somewhere during a difficult set, a hard interval or the last few repetitions, a voice starts talking.

“Your knee doesn’t feel right today.” “You’ve done enough.” “You can skip this last set.” “You’ll train harder tomorrow.” “Don’t be stupid.” “It’s probably safer to stop.”

Now, let me be clear. Sometimes that voice is right. Pain exists for a reason, and learning to distinguish between discomfort and injury is an important skill. But I’ve noticed that, far more often than I’d like to admit, that voice isn’t trying to protect me from injury. It’s trying to protect me from discomfort.

That realization changed the way I look at training.

I stopped seeing the gym as a place where I build my body and started seeing it as a place where I study my thinking. Every workout became an opportunity to recognize the exact moment my brain starts negotiating with me.
The fascinating part is that your brain isn’t doing anything wrong.

Its primary responsibility isn’t helping you achieve your goals. It’s helping you survive. From an evolutionary perspective, conserving energy, avoiding uncertainty and staying away from discomfort made perfect sense. Thousands of years ago, unnecessary risks could get you killed.

The problem is that your brain still uses many of those same protective mechanisms today.

It doesn’t know the difference between running from a predator and having a difficult conversation with your partner. It doesn’t know the difference between physical danger and the discomfort of starting your own business. It simply recognizes stress, uncertainty and effort, and responds by encouraging you to stop.

The gym just happens to expose that process in real time.

Every time I hear that inner dialogue, I have a choice. I can automatically believe it, or I can become aware of it. That awareness is where everything changes, because the moment I notice the conversation, I’m no longer controlled by it.

Instead of asking myself, “Can I do one more repetition?” I ask a different question.
“Who’s making this decision?”
Is it my body, genuinely telling me something is wrong?
Or is it my old programming trying to keep me comfortable?
That distinction matters.

Because every time I consciously choose to continue, despite the negotiation taking place inside my head, I’m strengthening something far more valuable than my muscles. I’m strengthening the identity of someone who doesn’t automatically obey every thought that enters his mind.
And that’s where the gym stops being about the gym.

The same voice that tells you to stop during a workout is often the voice that tells you not to apply for the job. Not to have the difficult conversation. Not to ask for help. Not to start the business. Not to set boundaries. Not to change your life.
The environment changes.
The conversation doesn’t.

That’s why I believe physical training is one of the most practical forms of mental training available. Not because suffering is the goal, but because awareness is.

Every workout gives you another opportunity to recognize the stories your brain creates in an attempt to keep you exactly where you are. And every time you consciously choose your values over your comfort, you’re reinforcing a neural pathway that slowly becomes your default way of living.

Over time, you stop becoming someone who occasionally does difficult things. You become someone who knows he can trust himself when life becomes difficult.

Here’s something to think about during your next workout.

Don’t count how many repetitions you do.
Count how many negotiations your brain tries to make.

Become curious about the conversation. Notice the excuses. Notice the fear. Notice the justifications. Then ask yourself one simple question.

“Is this my body speaking, or is this my programming trying to keep me safe?”

That question may teach you far more about your life than it ever will about your workout.

- Sjoerd

“What you aren’t changing, you’re choosing.”

Most people think they're self-aware.
They're not.

Knowing that you eat because you're hungry isn't self-awareness. Knowing that you drink because you're surviving isn't either. That's biology.

Real self-awareness starts when you become curious about the how behind your own behavior.

Why do you reach for a beer after work instead of water?
Why do you scroll your phone every time things become uncomfortable?
Why do you tell yourself you'll start on Monday?
Why do you become defensive when someone gives you feedback?
Why do you stay in relationships that drain you?
Why do you spend money you know you shouldn't?

Those are far more interesting questions.

Because every behavior has a purpose, and a cognitive pattern that creates the behaviour.
Not necessarily a healthy one, but your brain always believes it's solving a problem.

Maybe alcohol isn't about enjoying a drink. Maybe it's the fastest way your nervous system has learned to switch off…….
Maybe procrastination isn't laziness. Maybe it's protection against failing.
Maybe people pleasing isn't kindness. Maybe it's a survival strategy you learned years ago to avoid rejection.

We spend so much time judging our behaviors that we never investigate them.
And whatever you don't investigate, you cannot change.

This is where accountability becomes different from what most people think it is.
Accountability isn't beating yourself up because you failed.....
It isn't waking up at 5 AM because someone on Instagram told you successful people do.
It isn't pushing harder every time life gets difficult.

Real accountability is having the courage to sit down and ask yourself uncomfortable questions without lying to yourself.

"What problem is this behavior trying to solve?"
"What emotion am I trying to avoid?"
"What belief would have to exist for this behavior to make perfect sense?"

That level of honesty changes everything.
Because once you understand the mechanism, you stop fighting yourself.
You stop relying on motivation.
You stop making promises you'll never keep.

Instead, you begin redesigning the system that created the behavior in the first place.

The people who consistently create extraordinary lives aren't special.
They've simply become students of themselves.
They understand that every result is created by a pattern.

Every pattern is driven by an identity.
And every identity is built from repeated thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

If you can learn how your own system works, you can learn how to change it.
That is where freedom begins.

Here's something to think about today:
Pick one habit you don't like about yourself. Just one.

Then ask yourself these five questions, and DON'T answer them quickly.
• What do I actually do?
• What happens immediately before I do it?
• What emotion am I trying not to feel?
• What reward does this behavior give me?
• If this behavior could talk, what would it say it's trying to protect me from?

Don't try to change the habit today.
Just understand it.

Awareness always comes before transformation.
And the better you understand yourself, the more intentional you become in creating the life you actually want instead of repeating the one you've unconsciously built.

- Sjoerd

“What you aren't changing, you're choosing.”

For a long time, I was the person who kept digging up his own tree……
I had ideas. Lots of them. Businesses. Projects. Investments. New opportunities. Every few months, something else would excite me and I’d convince myself that this new direction was “the one.”

Looking back, none of those ideas were bad. In fact, many of them had real potential.

The problem wasn’t the ideas…..
It was me.

I never gave them enough time to develop roots….to truly grow into something

I see this everywhere now.
We start working on our health, but after a few weeks we try another approach.
We begin building a business, but six months later another opportunity looks more exciting.
We start changing our mindset, but the moment it becomes uncomfortable, we convince ourselves that a different method might work better.

We’re constantly digging up our own tree seeds and then wondering why nothing grows.

Neuroscience offers an interesting explanation for this.
The brain loves novelty because novelty often triggers dopamine, making new ideas feel exciting and full of possibility.
Consistency feels different. It requires repetition, patience, and delayed gratification. There is less excitement, but far more growth.

That realization changed my life…. (Not the pattern, yet….😉)

Over the last few years, I slowly stopped chasing everything that looked interesting and started committing to the few things that truly mattered. My coaching. My own development. My health. Building a life that actually reflects my values instead of chasing every opportunity that crossed my path.

Something remarkable happened…….

The moment I stopped spreading my energy across ten different directions, everything started moving faster. My business grew because I became consistent. My mindset became stronger because I stopped questioning every belief the moment life became difficult. My habits became automatic because I finally gave them enough time to become part of my identity.

It wasn’t another strategy that changed my life.
It was commitment.

I think that’s something we underestimate today. We live in a world that constantly tells us to look for the next thing, the better thing, the faster thing. But sometimes the answer isn’t something new.

Sometimes the answer is staying with what you already know is right, long enough for it to grow.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this:
Stop digging up your tree.
Water it.
Protect it.
Trust it.

One day you’ll look back and realize the growth was happening long before you could see it.

- Sjoerd

“What you aren’t changing, you’re choosing”

People sometimes ask me how I ended up living the life I live today.

My life, current life, for some people, sounds like freedom. For others, it sounds exhausting…
For some it sounds impossible, while I and many others are doing it.
And that’s exactly the point……

The life I’m living isn’t better than someone else’s. It’s simply the result of thousands of decisions, habits, and thinking patterns that I’ve repeated over many years.

I didn’t build this life by accident.
I built it by first changing the way I thought. I had to BELIEVE I could.
(While others told me I couldn’t or I shouldn’t…)

Long before I travelled, I had to believe it was possible. Long before I coached internationally, I had to believe I could create value anywhere in the world. Long before I left familiar places behind, I had to become comfortable with uncertainty.

That didn’t happen overnight. It happened through repetition….

Neuroscience tells us that the brain strengthens whatever we repeatedly think and do. Over time, those repeated thoughts become beliefs.
Those beliefs become part of our identity.
And our identity quietly determines what we believe is possible, what risks we take, what opportunities we notice, and ultimately the life we create…..

This is why two people can look at the exact same opportunity and see something completely different.
One sees possibility.
The other sees risk.

One thinks, “How could I make this work?”
The other thinks, “People like me don’t do things like that.”

Neither response appears out of nowhere, or right/wrong, or even true/untrue…….
Both are products of years of conditioning!!!

That’s also why I encourage people to become genuinely open-minded…!
Not because every idea is good, dont get me wrong.
But because immediately rejecting an idea simply because it feels unfamiliar is often your current belief system protecting itself.

Not seeing a possibility doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Not knowing how doesn’t mean it can’t be learned.
Not believing something is possible doesn’t make it impossible.
It only reveals the limits of your current perspective….!

One of the biggest gifts travelling has given me is seeing how differently people think around the world!!
I’ve met entrepreneurs, artists, athletes, parents, digital nomads, and business owners from every imaginable background.
They all grew up with different beliefs about work, money, family, success, freedom, and happiness.

And every conversation reminds me of the same thing.

There isn’t one correct way to live….
There are only patterns we’ve learned to call “normal.”

Sometimes I go back home and realize that many people haven’t stopped growing financially or professionally.
They’ve stopped growing in the way they think….
Not because they lack intelligence.
Because they rarely expose themselves to different perspectives.
The same environment, the same conversations, the same routines, and the same beliefs keep reinforcing each other until they start feeling like absolute truth.

That’s why I believe healthy thinking is one of the greatest skills we can develop. Hence my starting hashtag and borrowed quote at the end of my posts…..
Not because it guarantees success.
But because it keeps expanding what we believe is possible.

And every meaningful change in my life started with exactly that.
A different way of thinking.

- Sjoerd

“What you aren’t changing, you’re choosing”

Yesterday I wrote that I often ask myself a simple question,
“Why would I choose not to be happy?”

After posting it, I received a few messages from people saying….. It’s not that easy……
They’re right.
Life isn’t always easy!

I’ve had moments where plans fell apart, businesses didn’t go as expected, investments cost me money, relationships changed, people left, and uncertainty became part of daily life. There have been days where I questioned myself, my decisions, and the direction I was heading.

I’m not optimistic because life has been easy……
I’m optimistic because I’ve learned that I become a better version of myself when I consciously choose where to place my attention.

That doesn’t mean I ignore reality.
It means I refuse to let the difficult parts become the only reality I see.

I think that’s one of the biggest lessons life has taught me.
Two things can exist at the same time.
You can be grateful and still be ambitious.
You can be tired and still feel hopeful.
You can lose something important and still believe something beautiful is ahead.
You can have difficult days without believing you have a difficult life.

For years I thought happiness would arrive when I reached the next goal. The next business. The next country. The next achievement.

But…… somewhere along the journey I realized something. The happiest moments were rarely the biggest ones.
They were the conversations with people I love. A sunrise after an early morning. A walk on the beach. Laughing until my stomach hurt. Seeing someone I support, suddenly believe in themselves again.
Life has given me more than enough reasons to complain…..
It has also given me thousands of reasons to smile!!!!
I’ve simply decided which list deserves more of my attention.

Maybe that’s what happiness really is.
Not a perfect life.
A conscious perspective.

- Sjoerd

“What you aren’t changing, you’re choosing”

Every Monday morning, I remind myself of something simple.

The week is not happening to me.
The week is happening for me.

That may sound like a small shift in language, but it changes everything.

Most people start their week by immediately focusing on what they don’t want. Too many meetings. Too much work. Not enough time. Problems to solve. Things they have to do.

The brain is incredibly good at finding evidence for whatever it is looking for. If you start your week searching for stress, frustration, and obstacles, you’ll find plenty of them.

I choose a different question……
Where is the opportunity?

Because the exact same situation can often be viewed through two completely different lenses.
A busy week can be pressure, or it can be proof that people trust you.
A challenge can be a problem, or it can be an opportunity to grow.
Feedback can be criticism, or it can be information.
A setback can be bad luck, or it can be a lesson.

Healthy thinking isn’t pretending that difficult things don’t exist. Healthy thinking is training yourself to see the whole picture instead of only the negative part of it.

This is something I’ve trained deliberately over the years. Not because I’m naturally optimistic, but because I understand that my focus drives my emotions, my behavior, and ultimately my results.

So before the week gets busy, take five minutes and ask yourself:
- What am I looking forward to this week?
- What opportunities might be hidden inside the challenges ahead?
- And what is the one thing that, if I do it well, would make this a great week?

Start there.

The quality of your week often begins with the quality of your focus.

- Sjoerd

“What you aren’t changing, you’re choosing”