Iron Therapy

Hey everyone!

So I finally landed at Mohawk Correctional Facility (State Prison). I'd appreciate it if anyone would like to talk with me, add me on JPAY Messenger. My DIN number is 24R2112. If anyone has questions as to how it works feel free to ask. I would truly appreciate any outside contact I can get. I'm truly trying my best to hold myself together, but in all honesty, it's not easy. I have always been the person people came to when they needed help and now that I'm in this situation I don't have many people to turn to. So if you're reading this and can think of a time where I offered you a helping hand please feel free to return the favor.

At the moment my Mother is the only outside contact I have and it would mean the world to me to be able to talk to you also. My days are filled with struggle after struggle, and at this point in time, I really just need some positivity in my life. If any of you have been waiting for a letter from me please know that I fully intend on writing to you. I just need to wait until I can get some stamps as this facility does not let us mail out free envelopes like the last reception facility I was in.

I'm trying my best to remain positive and use this time in some way to better myself, it's just not easy when you're alone. Thank you for even taking the time to read this and please know that you could make the biggest difference in my life just by letting me know that you care.

OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND

As the days click by I’m starting to notice something I have feared, start to come into fruition. You see, I have this long list of phone numbers that I will pull out when I'm feeling down and
need somebody to talk to. Usually I don't make it past dialing the first few numbers before somebody answers. Lately that hasn't been the case. Mind you I'm not calling collect, but paying for the phone time out of what little funds I have left. But as the days pass I notice less and less people even have the time to answer me.
In some cases I feel like this is because promises were made to me that were never fulfilled. Things I never asked for, but were offered. I get that they all meant well and may feel ashamed for letting me down, but what really hurts is feeling like I've lost friends and connection to the outside world.
I feel so alone at times. Like nobody understands how much it hurts getting your hopes up, only to be let down time and time again. This jail no longer even has a mental health person that
can come in and speak to us. We have a lady that can only come in one day a week and all she says she can do for us are evaluations. Well after she evaluated me she was in tears and advised me to advocate for this jail’s administration to hire a more qualified person. I did and I got a reply back saying that they are looking for somebody to hire. I have been here 8 months so far and am doing anything and everything I can to hold myself together, as well as, provide support to my fellow inmates.
IT’S JUST SO DIFFICULT. I miss Tom Dwyer so much. He is the jail’s old counselor and he may have a reputation of being a bit odd himself, but he truly cares and that's what matters most. I need more people in my life like Tom who are willing to put in the time and effort before I can even think about healing.
Just please don't make empty promises to anyone who's locked up. I cannot begin to express how much it hurts getting your hopes up, only to be let down time and time again.

Thought For The Day

Sometimes I feel like reality isn't really relevant. Perception is. How else could you explain how
“WE THE PEOPLE” allow those in power to remain in power, even after so many atrocities they
have and continue to commit.
They use fear to control us. We are being manipulated now and have been for some time. It's
time for CHANGE. Just don't know what that change will be.
Will we benefit or will those already in power just find new ways to keep their hold over us. The
sad reality is that the vast majority of people prefer the bo***ge of social order, strict laws and
materialism.
THE ONLY freedom people want is the freedom to become comfortable, but even their comfort
is confined.
I ask you, “What is that false sense of safety really worth?”

Another Thought....

Reality isn't really relevant. Perception is. Allow me to explain. We are all human with the same basic needs. That's the reality. Yet we feel the need to compete instead of living in harmony. We attempt to control one another out of fear. That's the perception, upon which we act. Pitting us against one another, making us easier to manipulate.
Nobody seems to question the motives of those in power much. Too many distractions. That's how those in power stay in power. True freedom is far from free. It requires much pain and
sacrifice.
The reality is people prefer the bo***ge of social order, strict laws and materialism. The only freedom they really want is the freedom to be comfortable. But this comfort is confined. Outside of our “comfort zone” is chaos, death and destruction. All being done by those we task with keeping us comfortable.
I ask you this, “what is this false sense of security worth?” If you were to look around, it comes at a very high cost. To whom is the cost though? It falls upon you and I anyway. I'd rather the
pain and sacrifice that comes along with freedom, in this day and age, than the false sense of comfort afforded to those who chose to only color in between the lines.

Just A Random Thought

People fail to realize that true freedom requires sacrifice and pain. Most only think they want true freedom, when in reality they prefer the bo***ge of social order, strict laws and materialism. The only freedom people actually want is the freedom to be comfortable. Now I myself chose to trade comfort for freedom. But what does that mean? I follow most basic laws and treat people with respect in most cases. But if I follow my own free spirit and allow my heart
to guide me, sadly, I am seen as a threat to the oppressors as I'm not afraid to stand for what's right and I'm able to navigate tiers systems and make them actually do their jobs. They demand
our respect, yet set no example for us to follow in regards to accountability and honor. I say if they want respect so bad then give us something to respect. Be fair and honorable and stop taking advantage of your positions. Give us something to respect!!

No matter what, never give up searching for the things that you love… and those who love you back. Run to them.

The old saying “What doesn't kill you makes you stronger”- yeah that is not something I entirely believe. I'm pretty sure that's how trauma is formed. Those situations have always left me angry and or sad and hurt. True strength comes from the good things in life.

FAMILY-FRIENDS-HARD WORK AND TAKING PRIDE IN YOUR TRADE-SERVICE TO THOSE IN NEED-KINDNESS AND COMPASSION.

Those were the things which kept me whole. That's what I long for now. I just have to make it through this without losing hope. I don't want to come out the other side of this broken, consumed with anger and with hatred like last time.

I know I have to be alive for a reason. I pray it's a good one. A worthy cause. Something that
could justify all my pain and give me purpose again.

I MISS MY PASSION.