Brenda Bence International

As leaders rise, one of the biggest shifts they must make is crossing what I call the Leadership Threshold™.

A critical part of that shift:

**Stop being the expert. Start leading the experts.**

It sounds simple. In practice, it requires letting go of many of the very habits that helped you succeed in the first place.

I recently joined Meredith Bell on the Grow Strong Leaders Podcast to explore this – along with what it takes to grow your people, lead with greater curiosity, and become more intentional about the experience you create for those you lead.

🎧 Listen to our conversation here:
https://bit.ly/3UnY0GD

And perhaps the most important question to keep asking yourself:

“What is it really like to work for me?”

💡 Withholding necessary feedback is usually aggressive behavior.

If that sounds surprising, consider this: Whose needs are being met?

In my last post, I shared how much we value *receiving* feedback – yet how reluctant we are to *give* it.

One reason I often hear from leaders is: “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

Sounds compassionate, right? But again, consider the situation through the lens of whose needs are being met.

Here’s a simple way to look at it. If I’m being…

🔹 Passive: You get what you want, but I don’t get what I want.
🔹 Aggressive: I get what I want, but you don’t get what you want.
🔹 Authentic-assertive: We both move toward what we want.

Now apply that to withholding necessary feedback.

By staying silent, the leader gets what they want – avoiding an uncomfortable conversation.

But the employee doesn’t get what they want – the insight required to improve.

So, whose need is being served? The leader’s comfort – not the employee’s growth. By the definition above, that’s aggressive behavior.

Instead of asking: “How do I avoid hurting their feelings?”

Ask:

“How can I deliver this feedback respectfully AND give them what they need to grow?”

That’s authentic/assertive leadership. And that’s when feedback truly becomes a gift. 🎁

❓ Which is ultimately kinder: giving tough feedback or withholding it?

🎁 Feedback Is a Gift. So Why Won’t We Give It?

Around the world, I’ve asked audiences these four questions:

“Do you like to receive gifts?”
100% of hands go up.

“Do you like to give gifts?”
Again, 100%.

“Do you like to receive feedback, even when it’s tough?”
Nearly every hand goes up.

“Do you like to GIVE feedback to others, even when it’s tough?”
Suddenly… almost no hands. 😳

I always find that fascinating.

✅We want to give and receive gifts.
✅We want to receive tough feedback – which, when delivered well, is a gift.

But when it comes to giving that gift to someone else? “No, thank you!”

And yet, because we cannot see ourselves as others do, feedback is one of our greatest sources of growth.

So why are we so reluctant to give others something we value receiving ourselves?

The reason I hear most often from leaders: “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

That sounds compassionate, right? But is it?

Because when you withhold feedback that someone actually requires in order to grow, whose needs are you actually serving?

I’ll share my perspective on that in my next post.

In the meantime, I’m curious:
❓What makes giving tough feedback difficult for YOU?

This month marks 20 years since I started doing something I didn't particularly enjoy.

For the past two decades, I've trained four days a week with a personal trainer and practiced yoga one day a week.

Has it always been easy?
Absolutely not.

There have been countless mornings when I would've preferred to stay in bed (just don’t tell my trainers 😉). But over time, I learned something that extends far beyond fitness…

✅ Motivation comes and goes. Habits stay.

Having coached C-suite leaders around the world for more than two decades, I've noticed the same thing.

Exceptional leaders aren't shaped by one bold decision. They're shaped by hundreds of small decisions repeated over time.

• preparing instead of winging it
• listening before speaking
• having difficult conversations
• taking care of their energy instead of running on empty

If I had to summarize the lesson in one quote, it would be this:

🔹 Easy habits, hard life.
🔹 Hard habits, easy life.

The hard habits don't make life easy. But they do make you stronger, more resilient, and more prepared for whatever life and leadership throw your way.

❓ What's one hard habit you're grateful you stuck with?

There's a leadership trap I see so often that I've given it a name:

The How Hole.

It usually happens about five minutes after I've finished guiding a CEO to craft a compelling vision for the future.

The CEO sits back, looks at the vision, and says:
"This is exactly where we need to go, but… how are we ever going to get there?"

That’s when I know they’ve fallen into The How Hole.

Here are five principles I use to help them climb back out:

1️⃣ Stay anchored in the WHAT.
Don't let today's uncertainty weaken tomorrow's vision.

2️⃣ Don't confuse uncertainty with impossibility.
Not knowing the path doesn't mean the destination is out of reach.

3️⃣ Trust your team to find the HOW.
Your job is to inspire the future – not invent every step.

4️⃣ Shift from doubt to possibility.
Ask, "What would have to be true for this vision to become reality?"

5️⃣ Lead with conviction, not certainty.
The best leaders don't wait until they know the path before they commit to the destination.

The biggest breakthroughs I've seen in organizations didn't happen because the CEO knew exactly how to get there.

They happened because the CEO never let go of the WHAT while the team discovered the HOW.

❓How do YOU keep yourself from falling into The How Hole?

Self-care is not selfish. It's strategic.

I recently asked a CEO client how he was doing with self-care.

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Honestly, it feels like a luxury. I'll think about it when things slow down."

As we talked, something became clear. To this leader, working nonstop had quietly become his definition of commitment.

I've seen this pattern dozens of times.

Somewhere along the way, many leaders begin treating exhaustion as a badge of honor.

But here's what I've learned from coaching C-Suite leaders around the world:

**The quality of your leadership is directly tied to the quality of your energy.**

When you're depleted, your decision-making, patience, listening, and presence all suffer.

We often hear, "You can't pour from an empty cup."

I'd take that one step further:
💡An empty cup quenches no thirst.

Not for you or anyone else.

Protecting your physical, mental, and emotional capacity isn't selfish. It's strategic.

Because everyone who depends on your leadership deserves the best version of you - not simply what's left of you.

In honor of , what's one thing you’ll do this week to refill your own cup?

❓ Why is listening harder than most leaders realize?

In English, we speak at 125–175 words per minute, but our brains process information at up to 800 words per minute.

That's a lot of opportunity for distraction.

This carousel shares a simple coaching exercise that forever changed one executive's perspective on listening.

Most people think confidence comes *after* you're ready.

I believe real confidence is trusting yourself to handle whatever comes your way, *even when you're not fully ready.*

Confidence doesn't come from having all the answers or knowing everything will work out. It comes from trusting that you'll find a way forward.

It's quietly saying to yourself: "Whatever happens, I'll figure it out."

After years of coaching executives, here's what I've learned: People with genuine confidence don't walk into every situation knowing they'll win.

They walk in knowing they'll learn, adapt, recover, and keep moving forward.

💡Confidence is not built by waiting until you feel ready.

It's built every time you face something that stretches you - and discover you're more capable than you thought.

So the next time you catch yourself waiting to "feel confident" before taking action, ask yourself a different question:

How much do you trust yourself to handle whatever comes your way?

The milestone I never saw coming…

A little over 10 years ago, I stood in front of Harvard Business School's iconic Baker Library – the very spot where this photo was taken.

A couple of weeks ago, I was back on campus for my MBA class reunion. While there, I wandered into Baker Library, simply to enjoy one of the most beautiful and peaceful places at HBS.

As we chatted, I mentioned to the librarian that I was an author and wondered whether they ever featured books written by alumni. She explained that they have a research team that keeps track of alumni publications. She looked up my name...

..and there they were.

All 12 of my books.

Including Would YOU Want to Work for YOU™?, even before its official launch last week.

When I graduated from Harvard Business School, I never imagined that one day my books would be part of Baker Library's collection.

It reminded me that some of life's most meaningful milestones aren't the ones we plan. ✨ They're the ones that quietly appear after years of learning, growing, writing, coaching, speaking, and simply staying committed to the journey.

Moments like this have a way of reminding us that we never really know where today's efforts may lead.

I'd love to hear from you…What's your unexpected milestone – one that reminded you that years of consistent effort had quietly paid off?

Remote work didn't create most leadership problems. It revealed them.

Roughly 8 out of 10 remote-capable employees now work either hybrid or fully remote. Perhaps that's why these questions are worth asking:

→ If trust only exists when people are visible, was it really trust?

→ If culture only works when everyone is in the same room, how strong was that culture to begin with?

→ If accountability depends on proximity, were expectations and outcomes ever clear enough?

Remote and hybrid work have made some leadership fundamentals impossible to ignore.

Communication takes more intention. Connection takes more effort. Recognition can be easier to miss. And trust has to be built more deliberately.

But maybe that's not a bad thing because leadership was never meant to depend on physical proximity.

It was meant to depend on clarity, consistency, trust, feedback, and how people experience being led.

Perhaps the better question is not:
"How do we get people back where we can see them?"

But rather:
"Would people still feel well led, even when I'm not in the same room?"

❓ What do you think remote and hybrid work have revealed about leadership?

P.S. This is one reason I added a new chapter on remote and hybrid leadership to the updated and expanded edition of Would YOU Want to Work for YOU™?

Check out the latest news on this new book in the first comment below.