Almondbury Woolpack FC

A brilliant team performance from start to finish as Almondbury Woolpack FC secure an emphatic 8-0 victory over Grange Moor FC.

A positive afternoon as we continue our pre-season preparations with a 7-0 victory.

A strong team performance with plenty of positives to build on. Thank you to our opponents, Linthwaite, for the game, and to everyone who came along to support us.

On to the next one. ⚽💙

Pre-season starts here! ⚽

Almondbury Woolpack take on Linthwaite on Thursday at Almondbury Rec. Come down and back the lads! ⚽

Name: Reuben
Age: 18
Position : CM

Next up is Reuben – our midfield maestro. Calm on the ball and not scared to get stuck in.

Off the pitch is where the real battle begins for Reuben. Him and Ethan are constantly at each other’s throats with the mum jokes, with both of them insisting the other’s mum is fit and claiming they’re popping round for tea every weekend. At this point, none of us know who’s winding who up anymore…We’ve even had to introduce a £1 fine for both Ethan and Reuben every time they mention each other’s mums.

Side note: Reuben has a fear of burgers.

Name: Andrius (Russian
Position: LB
Age : Nobody knows, he just appeared during a blizzard and never left. He says he remembers when football were made from mammoth skin though.

Every Saturday, Russian turns up looking like he’s just finished a 12-hour shift guarding a secret Siberian missile silo. Rumour has it he warms up by wrestling bears, which is also the only time he smiles. He only hydrates with vodka during games and only drinks tea if it’s served from a samovar. Russian is a friendly man, but can often be heard threatening to send someone to the gulag for unknown reasons. He also doesn’t like sitting in chairs, so he just squats instead, and anything above freezing is considered a heatwave. He thinks 4G pitches are capitalist propaganda, complains that ice baths are too warm, and doesn’t receive yellow cards—only state warnings.

Name: Keegan
Age: 18 and a half
Position: Gimp

When told about this post, Keegan said: “Be prepared for the comments to be flooded with bitches,”*

*this does not reflect the opinion of The Woolpack Almondbury, or Almondbury Woolpack FC. We are a family pub and club who respect people of all backgrounds and genders. Even Ethan Wasp.

With the complexion of an albino polar bear that’s been indoors for its entire life, Keegan is one of the strangest characters we have at the Woolpack.

Known for screaming during games, Keegan asked to play left back today during training because that’s where he plays on career mode on FIFA.

His greatest achievement during his debut season at the Woolpack was bringing his mate Sonny with him, who is a much better player and to be honest a much better person.

Name: Richard Myfanwy Morgan 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿
Age: 53
Position: Half-Marathon/10k

Ever seen a speedboat with no driver? Aimlessly speeding around the water in a confusing manner and making a lot of noise? Come see Rich tear arsing on the wing on a Saturday at the Woolpack.

Born in Wales in the early 1970s, Richard is that strange breed of Welshman who claims to be from Manchester when in actual fact 80% of his diet is leek-based.

His first touch is terrible and his second is a tackle, but he’ll run his little sideburns off and try his best for his team every week.

Fun-fact: whenever Mickey D’s smokehouse is at the pub, Rich stages a protest and has been known to chain himself to the church railings across the road - this is because Richard follows a strict plant-based diet, not vegan, plant-based.

CLUB STATEMENT:

Following Max’s Meet the Team post, Max has issued a strongly worded voice note to the member of the team responsible for posting it.

The member responsible and Max are now heading to the pub for peace talks, armed with a biodegradable peace treaty.

This is being handled as an emergency disciplinary hearing.

Name: Paul Mbwasse
Position: LW/RW

A seriously exciting addition to Almondbury Woolpack. Having previously played for Cameroon's national Under-17s team, we’re still not quite sure how he’s ended up with us, but we’re certainly not complaining. Paul is quick, strong, skilful, and a real handful for defenders, bringing pace, power, and plenty of flair every time he steps onto the pitch.

His impact has already been recognised by the squad, with Paul being named the First Team’s Player's Player of the Season.

Pre-season starts today and the lads are looking to get ready for another good year. A strict diet of takeaways and pints is sure to claim a few victims.

Fitness levels are at an all-time questionable high, hamstrings are already twitching with nerves, and the first shuttle run is expected to claim a few casualties before the warm-up is finished.